As Cthulhu is my witness, I shall never believe Hollywood again!  Damn you, Hollywood with your movies and actors and such!  Why do you tease me with your badass trailers and your ubiquitous, annoying internet pandering towards my delight of flashy, animated ad banners? You think I’m easy, don’t you? You think I’m just gonna lay back and spread my wallet open like an oyster opening its shell hoping that it doesn’t...

A lot of people ask me who I think are the best singers, who influenced me vocally and how they should invest their savings.  To all inquiries I give the same answer:  Tomato. Yes.  Tomato. In some cases I then proceed to moon them and chase them screaming “I AM THE GOAT JESTER!!!!”  Most of the time, they run away playfully laughing along with me; but they just don’t understand what I’d do to them if I caught...

I believe, if I am not mistaken, that by now my nerd credentials are well established and I am above reproach in my declaration of nerdom.  I am correct.  I am not mistaken.  Wanna fight about it? What?  Nerds can’t throw hands? Okay, you got me… I just wanted to say “throw hands.”  Moving right the hell along… I’m the kind of nerd that has loved and practiced martial arts most of my life.  Yes,...

Hello neighbors.  Get the hell off my lawn.  Yeah, just stand on the sidewalk.  Okay, now we can begin… Let’s talk about the uncertainty in which many live, about which many lie and of which countless more could give a shit.  Yes, my friends, I speak of the Coldplay question.   But first, let’s get it out of your system… I know you know how I’m gay and it’s because I like Coldplay.  Thank you Paul...

I have often asked someone for directions to the nearest bathroom and had a woman tell me to, “Hit urinal poopy-room with your head to relieve the pressure…”  I can assure you that the following never happened: 1.  I never knelt next to the wall with a frigging ginormous ruby. 2.  I never hit my head on a urinal intentionally. 3.  Tornadoes never took me anywhere except my “happy place” as I peed myself and...

It’s never easy to swallow down a big plate of crow or digest one’s own words or any other flowery way of saying “I was wrong, dawg;” so I’ll just frigging say it… Later. First… I must explain…  Now let the nice man blog and stop asking me what this has to do with Snooki.  I know you love her and I know she totally rawks your face and all that other silly shit.  I am a man plagued by...

I had a dream last night/early this morning.  It was incredibly vivid.  It was intense.  It was probably one of the most insanely awesome dreams I’ve ever had and I remember damn near all of it clearly, which is rare for me.  I will tell you about that dream; but not just yet… No, that’s what we like to call a teaser.  You can’t go to a movie and see the sex scenes and/or Jaws during the opening...