World Of Warcraft:  A Tale of Discovery, Prostitution, Bards, Studio-Time, Horde-ing, Booze, Mounts and Love Lost

Hello.  My name is Jas and I played (will probably play again) World of Warcraft.  I admit this of my own free will and with no assassin’s gun pointed at my head (or a rogue’s knife at my back).  I have stated numerous times that I have been and ever shall be a nerd…  Therefore, I see this as not being too much of a surprise; which is an interesting topic unto itself–but we’ll get to that soon enough.  Patience, noob, we shall get you some leet experience very soon; but you’ll need to grind a bit of blog reading first… There’s no charity purples in the blog world, dawg.  (wow credentials established)

I suppose I should start at the beginning and when I come to the end, I shall stop.  It seems reasonable; but will it catch on?  Only Sargeras knows, for I do not…  (normally I would have said, “Only Cthulhu knows, for I do not… But we’re talking Azeroth here, peeps… Gotta stay in character, eh?  It’s like a role playing server.  hmmm… I guess I could have said, “Only C’Thun knows…”  So many choices; but I’ll stick with Sargeras cause his story is cool)

Note:  Okay, that’s enough proving I’m not faking playing WOW.   WOW players should have enough details of their world to allow me safe blogging passage and I don’t have to keep using words that alienate people with tans.  For the record, my fellow wow geeks, I have an 85 and back when it mattered, I had a few twinks with full heirloom sets.  My main has an achievement ranking of 6560, nearly there on the Justicar title (or was when I was still playing), I was maxed when 70 was the top and Kara was a big deal.  What else… Hmmmm… 45,964 honorable kills, achievements STILL feel “new” to me, if you joined in the last 3 years I’d be one of the ‘old guys’ and I can almost sympathize with fogies when they whine about ‘vanilla.’   I don’t tell you this to brag–I’m sure TONS of you are whooping my ass; but I’m just trying to ease your collective minds that I won’t hate on your fun and I have spent enough time there to earn the right to blog about Azeroth.

Forgive me, non-wow-people… I fully expect to attract a few hardcore wow gamers that will pause in their daily grind of being a total rock star to rip me a new asshole for daring to say anything good or bad about their reality.  I only wanted to point out that I can speak their language and am no tourist.  Either way, they’re going to tell me to L2P and I’m a fag and all the rest; but it’s all good–I have a few achievements that they can never get.  Up your ass, you little wow-fucker.

A gentleman on the toilet with a laptop on his lap and a game controller in his hand and a headset attached to the laptop.  We are led to believe this is a gamer.  We are further led to believe he can't take a shit without playing his favorite game.  We are therefore expected to point and ridicule and tell him he's a fucking loser... As we browse on our iphone while taking a shit.  Just saying...

Pictured: A "hardcore gamer." Laugh. Point. Ridicule. He is a lesser being. How dare he take a shit and bring his laptop. You should close this browser immediately! (as you read this blog while taking a shit at work... just saying...)

Moving right the hell on…

I was playing Warcraft 3 when I first heard about World Of Warcraft.  Actually, let’s start even earlier… I played the first Warcraft game–Warcraft:  Orcs and Humans.  I didn’t play it very much; because we bought the first battle chest that game with both the first Warcraft and Warcraft 2.  Warcraft 2 was just so frigging much better than the first one; but that is to be expected, no?  Better technology and all that.

Any road, I played and beat both Warcraft 2 and Warcraft 3 (yes, and the expansions) and I loved them both.  Then I saw a preview for World of Warcraft.  I hated it… Or, I hated the idea of it, I should say–at the time and probably still do, honestly.  I tried to like online gaming, I really did.  To be fair, I LOVE the game.  I just can’t stand most of the fucking idiots with whom you have to deal–that would mean the other people playing.  Now, don’t get me wrong, I’ve made some friends on there and there are a number of good people; but there are also fuckwad extraordinaires by the metric shit ton.  You could be nodding your head and saying, “yep, damn kids…”  But bro-hammer, there are some douche-tastic fuckwads that are decades older than me on that game and in the same quantities as the fuckwad larvae, be assured.  But let’s not be negative, this time around… World of Warcraft has its faults as do all things, myself included; but on the whole, it’s a good game.  Blizzard is pretty much incapable of making a bad game and WOW is no exception.

So I was playing Warcraft 3 when I heard of WOW.  I first thought it seemed interesting; but I didn’t love the idea of not controlling armies as I had on the first 3 Warcraft games–I was kind of a RTS nerd for awhile there.  (real-time strategy)  That basically means you are the god of your army.  You create and manage their efforts, resources, strategies, movements, etc.  You choose the serfs to do your menial labor, your warriors need to train and be on the ready for attacks and so on and so forth.  These concepts were the essence of the original three Warcraft games; but what set them apart was the story line… So rich, engaging and inventive.  It was like playing a good fantasy novel or something–total nerd fodder, obviously; but if The Lord Of The Rings has proved anything (or Harry Potter or Twilight) it is that many, if not most of us have a bit of nerd in us.  Ain’t nothing to be ashamed about.

A good story that is so far removed from our daily lives that we actively wish ourselves to one day, either in life or death, immerse our consciousness fully into the experiences of that world..?  It’s been the human dream since humans could dream.

Why the flowery language for a video game, eh?  I’ll explain…

I want to tell you something interesting about gaming, especially online gaming, in general… A lot of people are embarrassed by participating.  Many won’t tell you that they do.  Here’s where you can do the age old joke:  They seem like normal people.  They pay their bills, go to work and mow their yard… But late at night, when no one is looking… THEY ARE ONLINE, PRETENDING TO BE AN ORC AND PLAYING ONLINE VIDEO GAMES!!!!  ARRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

A dog wearing a headset with headset microphone typically used in online gaming.  Face it, dogs game too, you prejudiced bastard...

Look! It's a gamer! Kill it! What do you mean, "you can't kill a cute doggie..?" It's YOUR rules, bitch... Go on... Kill the doggie. Do it...

Enough 1950′s style McCarthy bullshit…  Gamers, while they may not necessarily be NO different from you, are just simply not THAT different from you.  Are you a church person?  Do you believe in a “better” life after death?  Are you a club person?  A normal Joe or Jane at work; but a freaking dance floor GOD high off your balls on E?  Are you a martial artist?  Typical mild mannered school teacher by day; but the baddest motherfucker in all of Tae Kwon Do every Tuesday and Thursday night?

Get the point?

See, most of us aren’t satisfied with who we think that people think we are.  9.9 out of 10 of you just tolerate your job.  9.9995 of those fucking HATE their job.  But the problem is, you can’t really go to school or realistically become a barbarian war chief in real life–not any easier than you could become prom queen, princess-pants either.  So we find hobbies and distractions that allow us to do things that we really really fucking love–or that will keep us from becoming a barbarian, machine gun sniper… Ya feel me?

I have to say, this is where I see people who cosplay (costume play) and/or LARP (live action role playing) and form up with other people and do all sorts of activities, and I say, “good for you, people… Good for you.”  They’re out there doing it.  To hell with what people think or say (and believe me… They catch some real shit for dressing up like elves and hitting each other with nerf swords.  Think about it… You’re probably rolling your eyes as you read this, right?)  But we’re not talking about cosplay/LARP.  If you want to hear more about that, then watch this documentary:  It’s called Darkon and it’s a fantastic film.  We’re talking about online gaming and more specifically, World of Warcraft.

Not everyone is willing, able and creative enough to get off their ass to LARP like a boss; but they still dig fantasy and along comes this game… Why wouldn’t they play?  Shit man!  That fucking game is a BLAST.  Hell, even my wife Vicki is absolutely understanding of how it COULD be fun and she is always impressed by the production value.  The reason she does not play is that it is not her thing… Now, if the game was putting on a headset that allowed you to be in a bistro with your girlfriends and have a nice lunch with a light glass of wine on a warm, slightly breezy day in a beautiful restaurant?  Oh fuck a duck, dude… I’d lose a wife, trust me.  But that’s my point!

The actors from sex in the city posing for a photograph.  The four main women... You know, the sex in the city chicks... Come on!  Really?  You don't know?  Carrie, Miranda, Charlottle and Samantha?  Oh... You suck!  You wanted me to say it, didn't you?  Fuck off!

Pictured: World of Dishcraft (dish as in "gossip" not 'doing dishes'... Though, both are pretty funny... Apologies, Ladies... I meant the first one. Promise. Ahem... So, did you hear about Linda and the pool boy..? I simply MUST tell you!!!)

It’s easy to say that only fat, greasy, socially-inept, nerd-grundles play world or warcraft… Or geek virgins or pedobears or whatever; but that’s only said by people who don’t dig either games, elves or anything that they don’t like.  Imagine how many drunken, loud-ass, bratwurst enthusiasts would play if it was called World of Sportscraft…

Hopefully I have proven the point that WOW players are not what you would like to generalize them as being–or should I say, how they are generalized..?

Yes, there are some grundles; but we’re talking about millions of players here… Bound to be a few that fit the stereotype.

Damn… I keep getting bound and gagged and forcibly removed from the main thesis here… It’s my own fault.  And it’s your fault.  I’m apologizing for WOW people.  I am an apologist.  I loathe apologists.  You see, I am basically doing what all gamers do… I am explaining why I game or dig games as it were; just as we all do.  Why do we do that?  Because gamers have a stigma… We’re weird.  (read the next few lines in an old lady’s country accent… lots of suspicion, lots of “can’t wait to dish the gossip” tone)  What “normal” person games?  It’s a stupid little computer thingy where you save stupid little computer princesses and probably have… SHHHHH… have cyber sex with some 40 year old pervert in his momma’s basement!  (end accent)

Dude…

That’s fucked up…

Guess what?

I agree.

I’ve never had “cyber sex” in my entire life.  (read the next line in a British accent)  “No thanks, love… I prefer the real thing, me…”  (end accent)  Yeah.  No thanks, love…  I am now willing to admit something else about myself… I am a fucking grammar and spelling snob.  Yes, I make mistakes; but I know the goddamn difference between “their and they’re” and so on and so forth–and don’t give me any shit over my over usage of ellipses either!  I like ellipses, you bastard!  Besides…  I tend to think in half thoughts with dramatic pauses…

(English major humor finished…)

But for the love of Elune!  Back to frigging World of Warcraft!!!

I didn’t start playing WOW from the start.  I should have.  It probably would have saved me some heartache; but I certainly would not be here now if that were the case.  WOW saved me when I needed it; but it would have destroyed me had I known of it before I was ready.  Heavy shit, no?  Believe it or not, it’s not joke.  WOW came out in 2004; November 23, 2004 to be precise.  At that time, things were looking up for me, actually… I had to go back and check to make sure on the release date, just to verify.  But the truth of the matter was, I was stagnate.  I was with the second of  she who will not be named… (before my wife, there were two women who both shared the same name… Poisonous relationships for all involved–obviously, unbeknownst to both parties at the time)  The basic gist is that I had brought myself up from the gutter only to align myself with yet another woman who was wrong for me both in practice and in essence (and I for her) and around the time of release for WOW I was beyond starting to feel the immediacy of doing something worthwhile with my life.

If WOW had come along at that time…

I might have stayed… Holy shit… The idea just sent a cold finger on a mission to grab a fucking cold sledgehammer and bash my fucking cold skull in… Shit man… It would’ve been bad…

But it didn’t happen.  Here I am.  I was not a WOW guy back then–it would take a bit longer for me to give it a chance.  No, I turned to WOW in a desperation of a different sort.  I entered Azeroth at the height of my creativity working on the biggest, best and most worthwhile project of my life:  My First Album.  (sounds like a children’s book for musician’s doesn’t it?)

A very young child, toddler, with a cigarette in its mouth, holding a beer as a responsible adult lights the smoke for the kid--I mean, you don't want the kid to accidentally set fire to something, ya know?

Don't forget, "Baby's first ride on the white horse" and "Baby's first hooker" and everyone's childhood favorite, "Baby's got a brand new bag of weed"

Yep, I started up WOW’ing when I was in the depths of creativity, productivity, anxiety, mania, desperation, frustration, excitement and commuting; the likes of which I had never known.  You see, I had to drive a fairly decent distance, often during afternoon traffic, to the studio that my dad and I built together.  Also, my father and I didn’t always see eye to eye (or eye to elbow for that matter) in matters creative; so we were banging heads and raging against one another constantly.  It didn’t help that we never had any time off.

Weekends?  In the studio.

Holidays?  In the studio–no shit, I cut the rhythm guitar to “Green and Blue” on Christmas day.

Work days after work?  Check that too…

Sigh…

We worked like brown-nosing, indentured servants with an extra 3 hours and a pack of redbull… That’s a lot, in case you were wondering.

Needless to say, I was fucking tired, mayne… Really tired.  My old man was no better… He had to get up for his work 2 hours earlier than I did; so he was tuckered out way earlier than me which made it hard on both of us.

Anyway, what this has to do with WOW was that my wife Vicki basically read me the new ten commandments.

Thou shalt not kill thyself; yet shalt thou maximize thy time at yon studio.  In other words, she felt that the time we were spending was not as productive as it could have been had we gotten a break every now and again.  Going over at the break of dawn on a weekend was no good if my old man wasn’t going to be ready until 10 in the morning due to lack of coffee (I don’t drink it–I’m one of those people that coffee drinkers hate… Yep, I’m fucking CHIPPER AND HAPPY in the morning, bitches… So suck it).  Going both days on the weekend was a waste if the day before had been a marathon and neither I nor my dad wanted to work the next day.  So on and so forth…

It worked.

The problem was, when I was working on the album, I was anxious and overly excitable.  When I wasn’t working on the album, I was worse.  Seriously, I developed a phobia of ANYTHING killing me before I finished the album… Up to that point, I had done nothing of note (in my reckoning) with my life; I didn’t want to die having done nothing with my life.  I suppose it’s a tad nuts; but I couldn’t help it at the time and I still understand it now.  I’m much better now, thanks for asking.

Enter World Of Glorious Worldcraft…

(I promise, I’ll talk some WOW shit here for a few…)

a crude line drawing of a head depicting the person so happy that he or she is crying tears of joy.  so much win is typically what this happy head is called.

Upon entering Azeroth, many have been known to weep openly for reaching their "destination" without having had to do a life's worth of good works or dying for the cause or even putting on underwear... Truly, this is a gift from the gods.

Yeah, Warcraft.  Lovely, golden, intriguing, grinding, hour-devouring, heart wrenching, gear needing, gear envying Warcraft.  I started with a 10 day trial back at the end of vanilla/beginning of Burning Crusade.  I was so young and inexperienced.  The music.  The graphics.  The immersion.  You never get it back.  Wow geeks are nodding and wiping a tear now… Yep.  You never get it back.

I was smart in this respect… I started a Night Elf (henceforth referred to as “nelf”) and there is no greater starting area than Teldrassil.  Yeah, just put down your nerd rage and step the fuck away… Nope.  You’re wrong.  Fuck your trolls, your orcs, your humans, your dwarves and so on and so forth… The closest you can come are Blood Elves and Worgen.  Done.  Finished.  End of fucking discussion.

The music alone in Teldrassil is enough to make you want to go there and build a cabin of boar’s skin and noob bones.  It’s pretty, the music is great, the quests are fun, the night elf voice acting is incredible and so on and so forth.  Teldrassil pawns your momma’s face.  Deal with it.

Victory over internet-dwelling WOW dissenters of Teldrassil’s greatness established, I now return you to your regularly scheduled irregularity…

Yep, I was hooked from the moment of pressing “enter world” or whatever that button says that gets you sucked into no longer needing anything other than booze and a good pvp team.  (or a decent raiding guild if you prefer)  I have always been a RPG fan (role playing game).  Zelda, Final Fantasy, Dragonquest, Chrono Trigger, The 7th Saga, Pool of Radiance and a ton more.  Love em.  Love em long time.   I imagine that you can imagine what it was like to enter the WOW world as a person who was and is known as the “video game generation.”

I remember we had an atari 2600.  I got a nintendo for xmas and it was literally my “red rider BB gun.”  Super Nintendo was a long wait and made all faith in the gods of gaming worthwhile.  I have a playstation 1.  I recently got a playstation 2  (my wife got me one so I could play god of war–we have to save money for studio time and all that shit or I would have had one long ago and she would have gotten me a playstation 3 instead).  I don’t remember a time without video games or a time when I didn’t love them, is the main point here.

Azeroth was the ultimate.  It really is an amazing piece of work.

I don’t really play much anymore (unfortunately) and I’ve been away for months now; but as of the writing of this, I wanted to go back and just check out what was going on.  I enjoy playing a round or two of PVP with a couple of toons of mine.  I love my warlock.  My main is a warrior (and holy shit has that fucker been through the wars…).  I hated rogues; but I enjoy this Worgen rogue I “twinked” (can’t really call them that anymore).  I don’t know… I don’t have time to raid or any of that hardcore shit anymore so I just enjoy pitting my wits against the mostly witless in battlegrounds.  It’s good clean fun and I so rarely have time to do it–therefore, a quick warsong gulch or arathi basin is a real blast.

cooking up heroin on a metal spoon with a lighter

I've been good... I haven't played in a few days... Just... I just need a TASTE... Just a TASTE... Shit man, random battleground... come on... come on... COME ON MOTHERFUCKER!!! QUEUE UP!!! I JUST NEED A TASTE!!!!

To be completely honest, of late, I’ve only really played after I get to a point in my blog where I can’t really continue writing–be it from too many blogging beers or just bored of guessing whether I’ve offended someone or whether my jokes are funny.  (blogging is serious shit, dawg)  So to say that I have my electronic finger on the pulse of the Azerothians is just flat out wrong…  I damn near got exalted with the Ashen Verdict and I am exalted with some Cataclysm factions; but I just kind of fell off the flying mount, my friends.  I say it with a tinge of regret and sadness, I really do; but I feel as though the world has moved beyond me at this point.

Many times I find myself pining for the howling fjords, as it were… But I almost never get beyond taking my twinks out for a bit o’ killing.

I came close to a lot of achievements that I thought I really wanted… I almost have 100 mounts on my main.  The last “big one” I finished was all the holidays for ‘What a long, strange trip it’s been.’  I feel as though “justicar” may be the last bit of achievement foolishness I go for… Why?  I wonder why I still “want” it?

Is it true what they say?  Is WOW an addiction?  Well sure… Sure it is.  Same as any other goddamn thing on the planet.

I bet you like doritos, don’t you?  What if I put a bowl of those fuckers in front of you and said, “have at it, pigfucker!”

You’d give me a strange look for calling you a pigfucker; but I bet you’d eat one of those doritos, wouldn’t you?

No?

Okay, how about money then?  Are you chasing the shit out of that paper?  I bet you are, you greedy bastard…

No?

Sex.

Position.

Power.

Recognition.

Food.

Drugs.

Change.

Stability.

A new car.

Stuff.

Clothes.

You name it, bro… You’re addicted to it.  So don’t give me that, WOW is addictive shit… EVERY MOTHERFUCKING THING IS ADDICTIVE.  If you let it be…

Don’t hate on people who play wow.  Don’t hate on people period.

Not worth it.

You “lost” someone to WOW?  Did you ever really “have” them?  Why do you need to “have” them?  What is so important about their attention?  If they’re such a unhappy person as to immerse themselves (at the expense of their real life and hygiene) in a video game–I hate to break it to you, they were looking for a way out.  Truly, I am sorry about that.  But hey!  Look on the bright side… All they want in the divorce is the computer, no?

Seriously though, I hear a lot about that and it was big news for a bit there; but we’re not fucking happy unless we’re protesting shit and telling people what they shouldn’t be doing… You know, cause it’s “bad for them.”  Yep, we love us some good ole fashioned banning of shit that we don’t “get.”  The only thing better than that is burning the fuckers who dig that naughty stuff.

I just can’t figure out what makes a video game so damn bad that you have to devote time to your facebook addiction to start groups to bitch about it with your other facebook addicted friends…

the logo for facebook.  nowhere near as cool as the world of warcraft logo.  fuck farmville.  wow drinks your milkshake facebitch

If you're facebook's bitch, does that make you a facebitch? Or a bitchface? Meh... Facebook is just a gateway drug to farmville anyway... Now THAT is a serious fucking addiction. Those fuckers will kill their whole family for a virtual sheep! Scary...