The Coldplay Question

Hello neighbors.  Get the hell off my lawn.  Yeah, just stand on the sidewalk.  Okay, now we can begin…

Let’s talk about the uncertainty in which many live, about which many lie and of which countless more could give a shit.  Yes, my friends, I speak of the Coldplay question.   But first, let’s get it out of your system…

I know you know how I’m gay and it’s because I like Coldplay.  Thank you Paul Rudd!  Please tip your server and good night!  Now that we have revived an ancient pop culture nugget and given the less inventive of our trolls their little laugh; we may move on relatively unencumbered.

Let me begin by saying this unequivocally:  I like Coldplay.  I like them quite a lot, in fact.  Many of you are nodding your head and saying, “what’s not to like?”  with a rather concerned and confused look on your face.  You, my little friend, are an innocent.  There are dark-hearted beasts out there who threw back their heads and howled to their ancient and evil gods in tongues of vile lamentation at the very name of the most wretched Coldplay… Hipsters?  Maybe… Metal heads?  Probably… Bluegrass lovers?  Doubtful… They think Coldplay is something you do with popsicles.  Believe it or not, Coldplay causes music listeners to draw a very distinctive line in the sand; and that line is precisely what I would like to discuss with my three readers out there.  (HI GRANDMA!!!)

Now, I cannot say there are literally two camps out there regarding Coldplay; but there are two camps out there regarding Coldplay.  Some vehemently argue that Coldplay is “Britney Spears’ bubble gum crap” (sorry Britney, Imma leave you alone) and others think they’re gods amongst Britney Spears bubble gum crap.  The lovers are usually okay with top 40 stuff.  The haters are usually not okay with top 40 stuff.  That’s about as simple as it can be broken down.

What makes Coldplay “different” from your typical pop tarts is that they are by no means churning out bubble gum crap.  Yes, continue reading… (turn to page kiss my ass if you want to argue.  turn to page I’m at work and I hope this doesn’t show boobies so I get fired if you’re at work and looking to kill time with something that is safe for work)

“Are you crazy?!  It sounds fucking like Pop Crap to me!!!”  No, I’m not crazy.  Yes.  Coldplay’s music is extremely accessible.  So is U2′s.  (gasp)  Yep.  Suck it dry, music snob biznitches… I just compared Coldplay to your most holy U2.  I am not the first, nor shall I be the last.  I would argue that Coldplay has made consistently better overall albums, has been more inventive with sounds and is absolutely unfairly called a band that just wants to be U2.  I’m not hating on U2 and they certainly had quite a lot to do with a great many copycat bands trying to “be U2;” but I don’t believe Coldplay is one of them.  Using delay on the lead guitar doesn’t immediately qualify you as a U2 wannabe–The Edge didn’t fucking invent the sound, okay?  I know, I know… He used it to great effect (no pun blah blah) and I don’t diminish that–Truly.  Edge, you rock, brah… But I sincerely doubt you need yet another blog slobbing your delay knob, amirite?

Do you see what I mean?  A band comes out with stadium-ready choruses and delay guitar and they’re all of a sudden U2.  It’s a tad unfair.  As far as I know Chris Martin is not very much a Bono clone.  The vocals are completely different stylistically and in pompousness.  Martin prefers to either “talk” the vocal in a low baritone or lilt it in a wee-tiny falsetto.  (lol, sorry, I have to kind of tease ole Martin a bit on his vocals… You know, as a soul-belting cat, meself; it’s easy to tease the “pretty voiced blokes”)  Bono prefers to howl his shit out like he’s singing the song of creation–again, not hating; but come on… I mean, really… Come on…  But fuck it.  It works for the guy and yes, I like U2 as well; so piss right off.  I’m not interested in hearing yet another U2 acolyte singing their damn praises–you don’t have to!  They’re already rich and will never be forgotten–they have FAR BETTER PR THAN YOU; so chill.

As you can see, I’m sick of people telling me how great U2 are, as if I’d never heard the fuckers.  I’m always on the verge of DISLIKING them because of their gawddamn fans; but then I remember how Vicki tells me not to let douchebags get me down… It’s hard, though; because there are a LOT of fucking opinionated douchebags out there–and they all fucking LOVE to wax-long-time bout how you aren’t giving one of the richest bands in the world “their due.”  Half the time, I’m all “FUCK U2!”  Then I remember… It’s just not their fault…

See?

Unbelievable!

I try to give a little unknown-blog props to Coldplay and the damn thing gets hijacked by fucking U2!

Inconceivable…

So let’s keep this short and sweet and give some dayam love to Coldplay.

I’m going to list good songs that Coldplay have–in my fucking humble:

God put a smile upon your face

green eyes

a rush of blood to the head

don’t panic

spies

high speed

white shadows

x & y

the hardest part

twisted logic

lovers in Japan

violet hill

cemeteries of London

Death and all of his friends

Lost

Strawberry Swing

I didn’t feel like using proper capitalization as I’m becoming bored with arguing with a non-existent combatant… I need comment-combatants…  You three readers are far too polite.  I’m actually yearning for trolls.  NOW PAY ATTENTION… I DIDN’T SAY BOTS!  I said “trolls.”  There’s a damn difference.

Anyway, the Coldplay boys have consistently made listenable albums–and I mean from front to back.  I listen to all four of their albums (that I have–if I’m missing some, then “meh”) more often than not.  They’re great for background and great for active listening.  I find them quite inventive and enjoyable.  So good job Coldplay!  If you’re reading this, let me open for you or tweet about how I’m kewl.  SCREEEEEAAAAAMMMMMMMM!!!!

ahem

Shutup.

I want to make music and have people argue if I’m ripping off U2.

Or at least eat a salad with my Ramen noodles…