Castlevania II: Simon’s Quest: What A Horrible Night To Write A Blog

I have often asked someone for directions to the nearest bathroom and had a woman tell me to, “Hit urinal poopy-room with your head to relieve the pressure…”  I can assure you that the following never happened:

1.  I never knelt next to the wall with a frigging ginormous ruby.

2.  I never hit my head on a urinal intentionally.

3.  Tornadoes never took me anywhere except my “happy place” as I peed myself and cried for mommy.

4.  I never allowed lists of three to talk me into investing in an oak stake.

5.  “Bloody Tears” by Kenichi Matsubara never stopped rocking balls (though, honestly, ‘The Silence of Daylight’ was my favorite as a kid).

You have a question mark above your head (no, my fellow nerds… They are not quest givers… They simply have no frigging clue what we’re talking about).  It’s okay, non-nerds… There is absolutely NO way you will understand any of what I just said.  I was simply showing the interwebz my nerd card.  I have often made claims to nerdom and I have been asked to prove said claims–I just did.  If you feel my nerd credentials are not in order, than by all means, hit me up in the comments and ask for further proof–understand that not all nerds know all things “nerd” so please allow me multiple genres to show my validation.

So let’s get to this…

Simon’s Quest… Oh dear 8-bit lords of the abyss, how do I love thee?

First off, let’s get through the obvious…

I do not, nor does anyone else, give a shit that you think Symphony of the Night or Super Castlevania or the original or the arcade or Judgment is the most awesomest, shizz-nitto bang bang… We probably all agree that those games are the shizz-nitto bang bang.  I mean, hell!  It’s almost a foregone conclusion.  So sit down and relax.  Let’s talk about those games’ (with the exception of the original, of course) granddaddy.

I know that you know that I know that you know that Castlevania II:  Simon’s Quest has a bad reputation.  “What a horrible night to have a curse.”  Do I need to say more?  Okay, how about “hit Deborah Cliff with your head to make a hole?”  Yeah… I told you, nerdom is established; so don’t give me shit.  I KNOW how much shit this game takes.  I know this and I STILL say it rocks.

I say, YOU’RE WRONG.  I say, this game rocks balls.  I say, if you couldn’t figure it out, you had too many games and too much of a life.  I say, you’re no damn gamer.  Bam.  The gauntlet is thrown down.  I figured out Deborah cliff without Nintendo Power.  Yes, it was TOTALLY accidental and I was pretty much just fucking around at that point; but I figured it out nonetheless.  Incidentally, I got my Nintendo Power a few days/week or so after I had already used my amazing figuring out-skills to make the tornado come.  I felt so damn pimp (though I wouldn’t know that slang for many years to come) looking at my Nintendo Power and reading the Howard and Nester comic and being all like, awwww yeeeahhh, bitches… I KNOW what they’re trying to tell me!

I simply cannot tell you how awesome it was to see a tornado come and take me away… It was the kind of magic that a lonely kid like me equated with “The NeverEnding Story” or some shit… I mean, I honestly had an anime moment of joy.  No shit… I was frozen in happy face.  Yes, yes… You can call me “nerd” and laugh; but I was a fucking embryo for crying out loud!  I was just a little dude; so back off…

Now at this point, I’ve lost the non-nerds and the actual card-carrying nerds are screaming “bullshit!”  I shit you not, gamer-friend/foe.  I actually did stumble upon the tornado.  It took for fucking ever and I literally walked every damn pixel of the game a million times before it happened–I think I was standing, crouching, standing, crouching, etc to try to “hit” my head on the damn cliff; but I may have just held crouch long enough for the tornado to come.

You see, I was one of those kids who loved the adventure series type games that were about problem solving and storyline… I’ve never really been much of a fan of the sports titles (in the sense that I never BOUGHT them–I LOVE to PLAY them).  I was the kid who played Zelda, Metroid, Final Fantasy, etc and dreamed of lilting green-haired, goofy girls that bounce around and giggle at my failed acts of bravado.  (incidentally, I ended up with a blonde haired, goofy girl who bounces around and giggles at my failed acts of bravado so suck it dry, bitches… I AM who I pretend to be!  Now I shall flex… and inexplicably fall over a nearby obstacle as everyone laughs and has a lovely moment of camaraderie)  Apparently, my self image is the “endearing” character–though I definitely very well may be the comic relief… sigh… Anime sad tear over head…

But enough about me; let’s talk Simon’s Quest!

Why do you people hate this game so much?  I don’t understand that!  I really don’t.  This was a good game.  It was totally the blueprint for Symphony of the Night–you do realize that, yes?  The storyline was cool, the music was fucking ground breaking, the game play was challenging, there were multiple endings… What the fuck more do you need from an 8 bit game?

So you had to use holy water every step.  So what?  So you had to endure the horrible night every five minutes.  So what?  Besides Zelda and Super Mario Brothers 1 and 3, how many masterpieces were on 8 bit?

Final fantasy was amazing, yet it was excruciatingly painful to set up your attacks and have everyone attack thin air if you killed the enemy too quickly… Remember that?  How about the experience grinds in that motherfucker?  Yeah… Thought so…  Final Fantasy didn’t reach masterpiece-level until 2 and 3 (American releases–I don’t know the numbers for Japan… Was it like 5 and 6 or 4 and 5 or 6 and 7?  Fuck if I know–I said I was a nerd, not a fanboy)

Nope, for most games, the masterpieces didn’t happen until Super Nintendo.  Fuck Sega.  They had nothing, zip, nada, goose egg for the Master System–Genesis was cool in some respects; but I don’t know that there was really anything beloved about any Genesis title that I can think of offhand.  Yeah yeah, disagree with me in the comments… Chances are I didn’t play your favorite Genesis title.  Just because Mortal Kombat had the blood on Genesis did NOT make it the better game.  FAR superior on the SNES.

Don’t even give me that Double Dribble, Ice Hockey, Bases Loaded, Tecmo Bowl bullshit either!  The early sports games were fun but there’s no way in Apollo’s ass crack that those games are frigging masterpieces!  Go back and play em.  You’ll shed a tear for your lost youth and the fact that your beer gut obscures your view of realizing a marathon win (see?  I kept it clean)–but beyond that?  Shit man, you’ll be BEGGING for Madden 2002 in two seconds flat–and THEN you’ll be begging for Madden 2008 and so on and so forth.

Now, I’m not saying you won’t be begging for Symphony or Judgment or anything while playing Simon’s Quest–believe it or not, I realize that it sucks by TODAY’S standards… Shit, MOST do if you’re going by function, graphics, etc.  All I’m trying to say is Simon’s Quest got a fecking REALLY raw deal because it had to measure up to absolute masterpieces.  Castlevania is one of the few ultimate titles.  There aren’t many either.  The characters are known and beloved.  The games are cherished.  It’s like the Jimi Hendrix of the gaming world.  It’s constantly being revisited and discovered by new gamers.  I just find it sad that some jaded fuckers rip this game a new ass because of a few very understandable 8 bit annoyances.

Having repetitive grinds and unclear hidden rooms was the absolute norm back then.  Goonies, Friday the Thirteenth, Zelda, anyone?  Yeah, the list goes maddeningly on and on.  They didn’t have the computing power or graphics to have complex anything; so they had to be sneaky in their secrets and they had to be brutal on their game play challenges–anyone who hates on Simon’s Quest for hardness and says they love Ninja Gaiden is working for the government!

Why do you give a shit, Jas?  What does it matter?

It just does…

I loved this game.  I loved how I got this game.  It was at that magical time when there was a bit of brightness in the world, ya know?  I really just can’t explain it.  I played the absolute ass off this game and I earned the various endings.  I threw holy water at every gawddamn block in that fucker and I walked around pressing every combination of up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, start that I possible could (up up down down left right left right B A SELECT start–if you were playing two player!  wink).  Yes yes, I realize that didn’t do anything on this game–I was just giving a nod and a wink to my gamer friends out there.

You know, I grew up poor (cue violins)… I didn’t have a lot of friends and had to fight a lot–had to run a lot more.  (violins louder) But all silliness aside, my father got a really good job earlier in the year (violins playing a major key instead of a minor) that I got this game.  He took me to the mall so we could buy Xmas presents for the family–this was a ritual for us–just he and your ole buddy, little youngin’ jas.  (violins swell and you’re all crying now)   It was the first holiday season that we went to the video game store and I pointed out the game and told dad that I really wanted that game and he told the guy to take it off the shelf and give it to me.  Dudes and dudettes, when I tell you that this sort of thing NEVER happened–oh man oh man, you’d best believe it!

As mentioned above with plenty of violin accompaniment, we were poor… Video games were a 1 to 2 a year type thing.  MAYBE one for birthday, one for Xmas… That was it.  (Hence, no sports games, ya know?)  Well, Dad was feeling froggy cause we had us some cash that we’d never had before and he was tired of being some broke ass family that couldn’t get the kid a game or two every now and again.  I’ll also never forget the bastards behind the counter because they were used to bratty kids getting what they wanted.  (They told Dad that I had pantomimed “wrapping him around my finger” when he turned his back to get the game from them… They were just being funny; but Dad almost walked out without the game because he thought I actually DID do that!  Leaving aside I didn’t know what that gesture meant at the time, I damn near cried because I had it in my hands and Dad took it away to give it back and was ready to walk out!  The guys, laughed and said they were just kidding as I nearly fell to my knees protesting my innocence.  I scowled at those bastards and probably would have killed them where they stood if I’d had a weapon… Yeah… Like I said… No friends, not many presents for me; so no way was I finding anything funny about getting a game only to have it taken away in less than a minute… Hardy-fucking-har, assholes…)

You see, I was the type of kid who would go to a store and beg my mother to let me stand in the aisle with the video games to just stare at the boxes of things I’d never get.  I’d stand there for the entire time my mom was in the store.  I’d daydream about what the game would entail and just what the story could be.  I just knew that fucker would revolutionize the gaming world and we’d all unlock the secrets to immortality and world peace because video games rocked and whichever one I wanted had such badass graphics!  (dude, if I’d even SEEN A FUCKING PICTURE of the graphics we have these days back then?  I would have screamed one joyful cry and died of happiness–you bratty kids today have NO CLUE how awesome the games you have today are… holy shit dude… I can’t even begin to explain…)

I’d actually pray for Santa to bring me games–Yeah, I know… I had trouble with the whole god/santa thing… They told me that santa was the spirit of xmas and all that–so I kinda figured you could pray to his fat ass too.  Still think telling kids lies is cool?

So I’d pray to santa, god, Scrooge McDuck and anyone else I thought would put in a good word to get me the game of the year–remember, I usually only got one or two yearly.  I cut out pictures of the game I wanted from any source I could find–including black and white newspaper clippings with a random picture of the box–yeah, analog typeset and everything… No internet back then kiddies (at least not to the general public).  Fuck man, now that I think of it… You can play FREE games online today with crazy better graphics than the games we had back then!  No shit… Truth.

So anyway… Enough old bastard grumping about kids these days… The point is this:  Back in my day in my life, when you wanted a game and you got it?  Holy shit, dude… Your ass nearly blew up from excitement and joy!  It was a red letter date and there really just wasn’t anything better.  You had to wish with all your heart that you’d get something and if you got it?  Well, that’s a dream come true, isn’t it?

Castlevania II:  Simon’s Quest was one such game.  Why?  Well, the first one rocked balls, for one… Another was because it was a good long, tough game that required experimentation, ability and imagination… When your little ass only gets a couple of games a year, you better believe you need some fucking replay value!  Shit man, I used to replay video games I had beaten and I would narrate them with a different storyline–my parents thought I was fucking nuts, I assure you.  I’d play video games in “chronological” order, with a unique storyline… Like, for instance, mario goes down a pipe only to turn into a ninja turtle who would swim back out find himself as a woman on an alien metroid planet.  Yeah… A year is a long fucking time to wait for a game…

I guess I didn’t really tell you why Simon’s Quest is not the bad game you say it is… For that, I’m sorry.  All I can tell you is that I personally loved it.  Did I love it wholly on its own merit?  Nah… Probably not.  But dudes and dudettes… Fuck it.  Play the game on its own merit for me.  Give it a fair shake.  Listen to the tunes.  Read the storyline.  Imagine that there is no World of Warcraft or Call of Duty.  Imagine that this game is THE game of the year.  You have nothing else to play because there IS nothing else to play.  Learn its secrets.  Master its paths.  Think like a kid who hasn’t even seen a decade on the planet.

Then maybe you’ll see it as I remember it… Of course, it probably totally blows now…