In Honor Of One of The Best Friends I Ever Had

There’s no easy way to say it.  I’ve been avoiding it for days.  The lump is already in my throat on sentence number three… But I have to be my usual neurotic self and qualify this; so here it goes.

This may not be the blog for you.  If you like my normal “madcap,” shit-talking, shit-talk-redacting, pseudo-reviewing, silly ass captioning and otherwise ‘funny’ blogs; AND that is ALL you will tolerate from me… Then stop here.  No, I’m not joking.  No, there won’t be nuggets of humor–at least not intentionally, anyway.  No, I won’t caption one or two for old time’s sake or for any other reason.  I won’t tolerate any trolling.  You can troll the absolute SHIT out of any other post, I really won’t take it down.  (no spam tolerated ever)  But not here.  I ask that you respect this one.  Neurosis satiated.

There is no easy way to say this.  Many of you will not understand.  I get that.  Many of you will understand.  I get that.  Many of you could give two shits.  I get that.  The point, that I am obviously avoiding, is that I lost one of the best friends I ever had on Saturday morning, March 12th 2011.  It was around 4:30 or thereabouts in the morning.  My first animal that was ever truly mine and only mine died.  His name was Kitty (more on why he had such a “terrible” name later) and he was one of the best friends I ever had.

Kitty died terribly hard.  He had multiple strokes.  His heart threw clots into his brain and/or heart and he was in a lot of pain.  The good news is that this only lasted about an hour or so.  The bad news is, there was nothing I could do.  I had to watch him die.

Now, many of you will chastise me (if you do, you will be deleted, as mentioned above–I will tolerate no preaching either); but you will need to understand that he was perfectly fine and healthy the night before.  He was running around and resting with us and seemed absolutely fine.  He had had one single episode a little over five months earlier.  We rushed him to the emergency room vet (well over the tune of a thousand dollars–so don’t preach at me about saving money) and we went from the emergency vet right to a normal vet as soon as they opened.  Speaking with a VERY good and learned vet, we decided to let him live and not put him down.  He recovered in record time (a little over two days) and was MORE fit and MORE energetic than we had ever seen him.  The point is, his last five or so months on this plane were phenomenal and happy and fit and wonderful.

.

All because we didn’t jump the gun and put him down.  So suck it if your first inclination was to put him to sleep.

Forgive me.  I don’t mean to jump to the conclusion that you would get high and mighty and tell me what I did wrong; but you have to understand that I have not stopped asking myself what I could have possibly done to make my poor little man’s last bit less of a hard way to move on.  I’ve been sick with it for days.  Vicki, my wife, is the same.  She has twenty times the tender heart that I have and that’s saying something.  Believe me, we’ve done nothing but grieve for the coolest little guy you’ve ever known or heard of, ever.  He was our little heart and there is no part of our lives that is not less now that he is gone.

I have lost my sanctuary and my home and my family as I knew it.  Again, I understand that you may not “get” this.  I give you another chance to move along–don’t worry, the next blog will be fucking hilarious; but if you’re rolling your eyes than do us both a favor and just fuck off.  This isn’t for you.  This is for me.  I want to say how much this “animal” touched my life and how special and wonderful any existence is.  Life is precious and dear to those who have it, my friends–whether they can write about it or not.  No one, no thing, no life wants to end.  We all simply want to BE.  I celebrate that with this blog.

Kitty was actually a “gift” to me by the once or twice mentioned woman with whom I was dating that was simply awful for me.  She may or may not be a good person–I don’t question or care about that, you pick one–but she was wrong for me and I for her.  Well, she had been out all night and I was waiting for her to get home.  At about five in the morning she comes home from a house party with a cat.  She knew I loved cats and had brought it home so I didn’t yell at her about staying out late and all that jazz.

I didn’t want to look at him because I wanted to be mad, ya know?  But it only took one look.  He was the most beautiful little guy and I could fit him in one hand (I don’t have very big hands; and he looked tiny sitting in one of them).  He was just so damn cute and funny.  He meowed with each step (scared, ya know?  New people, new surroundings and he was pretty young)–even when he backed up.  He immediately drove the girl crazy with his meowing and he didn’t like her at all.  Even after a year or so living with her, he hissed at her and didn’t like her.  I loved it because this was karma and he absolutely loved me.  He took to me immediately and wouldn’t give her the time of day.

I have to stop and tell you that if Kitty was alive, he’d be in my lap as I wrote this.  He’d have his head on the keyboard tray and just lay with me while I blogged.  He actually did this the day/night before he died; so we got to spend some quality time together.  Anyway, back to it…

So anyway, Kitty didn’t like the girl who tried to use him to not get in trouble for being out all night, freaking god knows where doing god knows what while I waited on her to get home.  They say animals take on the attributes of their owners and Kitty was no exception.  He was an absolute charmer to the ladies and believe me, I TRIED to be like him in this respect!  Of course, those days are gone (LOVE YOU MY DARLING WIFE!!!) but Kitty remained a charmer all his life.  He’d rough and tumble with the guys–he LOVED playing rough and play fighting with any and all comers.  He sang the blues.  Yes.  This is the truth.

In the mornings and other random times (though ALWAYS in the mornings) he meowed long and loud and gritty and soulful.  Vicki always used to say that he sang like his daddy–meaning me, not his actual cat daddy.  He really had a set of pipes on him too, let me tell you!

He was also quite the little dramatist as well!  He did something that Vicki and I dubbed “silent meow.”  Now what this was is that Kitty would look at you if you were teasing him or if he wanted food or you bothered him while was sleeping and give you this REALLY pained look and “meow;” though no sound came out.  It was hilarious… Like he was too weak or too exhausted or too hungry to get any sound to come out… I’ve had a few cats and I’ve NEVER seen anything like it.  Of course, Vicki and I loved it and we’d tell him he needed to be in theater.  He would then scold us for teasing.

Kitty also really REALLY liked drugs.  I have never seen a cat that enjoyed catnip more than this cat.  He greedily devoured it and rolled in it and would attack any other cat who tried to partake in his stash.  He also got RULLY RULLY high.  It was awesome and hilariously funny.

He kept fit and was a lap cat that simply had no peer.  He LOVED hanging out in your lap and keeping you company.  If Kitty was around, you’d never be lonely.  He’d bump you with his head if you didn’t pay him the proper amount of attention and he had the most amazingly soft and smooth fur I’ve ever felt.  He really had a pelt like the kind terrible awful people pay thousands of dollars for, ya know?  Yeah, fuck fur wearers.  I eat meat, use animal products and have worn a leather article or two; but there’s a point you really don’t have to cross either.  Fur is ugly as fuck anyway.  If you’re THAT hot, wear spandex.  Show off YOUR shit.  Not another creature’s shit.  Moving on…

So how did this magnificent little dude get the weak ass name of Kitty?  Well, I wanted to name him Maximus.  The woman who was absolutely no good for me wanted to name him “Mr. Meow.”  Yeah… I know…  Fucking Mr. fucking Meow… Sigh…

Anyway, so the whole time we’re arguing on what to name this cool, awesome, amazing little creature and we’re calling him Kitty the whole time.  By the time I wore her down; he’d only answer to Kitty.  Hence…

Kitty made a lot of moves with me.  I believe he and I occupied about 6 different apartments, condos, etc.  He was with me for eleven years.  He saw me at my worst.  He saw me at my best.  I really have a hard time remembering life when he was not there.  I’ve been in a cloud, a haze, a stupor without him here.  I keep thinking things like:

He’ll never blog with me again.

He’ll never come around the corner and pick up speed when he sees I’m looking at him and then jump up in my lap.

He’ll never silent meow again.

He’ll never sing the blues again.

I can never rub his perfect little nose again or his velvet ears.

He’ll never kick the shit out of my other cat Phoebe when she annoys the piss out of him.

He’ll never snuggle with Phoebe and clean her often dirty face.

He won’t wash trash TV with us or documentaries or come running into the room to sit with us while we listen to new tracks I have just recorded in the studio (he did that for EVERY track, EVERY take and EVERY time I had something for Vicki to hear).

He won’t hide under the bed and pretend not to be there until we go to sleep only to be on the bed when we woke up the next morning.

He won’t do assloads of catnip and act crazy for ten minutes only to chill out like a boss later.

He won’t be there for Xmas.  (Kitty LOVED opening presents and would tear at the packages that he could smell were for him–he also loved sitting under the tree.  Every Xmas, he would get so excited about the tree going up and he’d always hang out with the family as we decorated and wrapped presents)

He just won’t be there period.

He won’t come up in conversation as Vicki and I bore the shit out of our guests or random people as we talk about him like he was our child.  Yeah… We did that FREQUENTLY.

I had to bury my little Brother.  My little guy.  My little boy.  My little Lord and Master (he asked me to say that in his will).  I never knew a better, more loving, more perfect, more wonderful and more enjoyable little animal than Kitty.  I have had a lot of various animals all my life–believe me, people… They enrich your life and teach you about yourself.  Don’t let this “sad” blog keep you from having an animal–do you want to live in a cave and never live because one day you’ll have to feel pain?  No.  Go get that dog.  Go get that cat.  Go talk to some people.  Ask that girl out.  Speak to your mom or dad or friend you’re pissed at… The good times WILL ALWAYS outweigh the bad if you let them.

I write this blog in honor of the best cat and friend and family member I could have ever hoped for.

Kitty, I love you, my little Brother.  I thank you for sharing your life with me.  I did all I could to make your life happy and full.  I failed sometimes; but I succeeded far more.  You are missed and you will be missed forever.  I wish I could do and say more.  I wish these nice people could have gotten to pet you and see some of the awesome things you did.

Wait…

I can tell you one story to show you how awesome this cat was…

We had just moved into an apartment after leaving the girl who was not right for either of us.

My bed was on the floor (I was poor).  It was a day off work and we’d only been there a day or so.  The previous day I had been awakened to a knocking on the door.  Some kid was knocking and running off.  (honestly, I really never saw the fun in this; but whatever).  Actually, it might have happened a couple of days in a row–it’s hard to remember.  Anyway, so it always happened in the morning and I always got up to see who was at the door.  Door opens, no one there.  No advertisements or any other reason why someone would knock; so goddamn kids, right?  Sigh… Little bastards!  Feed the cat, go back to bed.

Well, today (then, not now) was my day off and sure enough… Bright and early, KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK!  Real fast knocking.  DAMN YOU KIDS!!!  No WAY I’m getting up.  So I lay there; but I’m awake, ya know?  It’s spring and it’s later in the morning (I used to tear it down pretty good at night; so it wasn’t the ass crack of dawn or anything–maybe 9 or so in the morning) so the sun is shining and it’s a beautiful day.  I’m hung over (as usual) and no way I’m getting up just yet.

As I lay there, I noticed Kitty was sitting in the hallway looking at me.  “Hi Kitty” I said.  Kitty stands up, very calmly mind you, with his back to the closet door and then proceeds to kick the closet door with his hind foot in a ‘knocking’ manner that sounded EXACTLY like someone knocking on the front door.

What.  The. Fuc…?  YOU BASTARD CAT!!!

I got up, laughing and chasing him through the house.  I, of course, fed him extra for being such a smart little guy.  Wow man.  He faked me out–who knows for how many mornings?  That’s amazing.  He learned that when there’s a knock on the door, daddy gets up and feeds him and all is right with the world.  He took it upon himself to get daddy’s drunk and worthless ass up when he was hungry.  Awesome, awesome cat.

I also want to say another thing…

I want to tell you how much Kitty loved my wife Vicki.  As mentioned, Kitty wasn’t really a fan of his “first mommy” and he made no qualms about showing that.  He was a charmer to the ladies but never really gave over to their attentions.  Always aloof and too cool to be “tied down” to any of my girlfriends; Kitty absolutely fell in love with my wife and partner Vicki.  (you all know her as either Gangsta Vicki or Business Vicki, etc)

Kitty LOVED Vicki.  He fought like hell to be in her lap–our other cat Phoebe ALSO loves mommy/Vicki and Vicki’s lap is prime territory… Believe me, I fight the cats to get some Vicki lap time, myself!  boom chicka wow wow…. awwww yeeeeahhh

ahem

So Kitty adopted Vicki as “mommy” as the rest is history.  I’ve NEVER seen him take to another human being like he did to Vicki.  And she loved that little boy, let me tell you.  Those two were as frigging cute as you could possibly be.  He followed her around and sat with her and generally drove her crazy trying to get attention from her–much like his daddy does with her everyday.  My little boy LOVED his adopted mommy.  Fuck that… My little guy loved his MOMMY.  He had never had one until her.  She treated that cat like gold and he loved her for it.  It was the reason why I loved sitting with “my little family” on evenings when we weren’t working in the studio or marketing or whatever.  It was my solace and my pleasure.  I loved to sit with my little family and watch some docs on netflix or just sit and talk with our fireplace going.  Kitty was a tremendous part of that.

Kitty loved to sit on the couch or the bed or in the kitchen when Vicki and I were together in one room.  We always said he was supervising when we would work on the business or clean the house or have a meeting.  It was a glorious thing.  And the thing that may or may not be readily understood is Kitty is the reason why we called our label “Tiny Lion Records.”  Kitty is the Tiny Lion.  We always used to laugh about how Kitty was far braver than his size should allow him to be and that he would stand up against a real lion–hence the name “Tiny Lion.”  As you can see, this little man far outdid his tiny stature and touched more lives than he could possibly ever do physically.  If you’re reading this right now, you have met Kitty.  He has touched your life whether he is here or not.  That’s the beauty of love and experience.  I would not be who I am had I not had a small feline friend to keep me company when I had no one.  Maybe I’d be dead.  Maybe I would’ve gone out and got shot at a bar.  Maybe I would’ve done the wrong drugs or given up.  It doesn’t matter.  None of those things happened because I had a little friend who was always happy to see me; regardless of how fucked up I was or how much of a loser I was.   Don’t ever discount having a pet… One day, they may be all you have.

I miss Kitty.

I don’t know how to end this, obviously.

I could go on for a long time telling you how wonderful this cat was.  And he was.  Make no mistake.

I owe a lot of happiness to Kitty.  When I had no one.  When no one was there.  He was.

Whether you understand it or not, this little beautiful animal was a physical manifestation of my heart.

I’m absolutely not afraid to say it.  I miss my cat.  I loved my cat.

I love and miss my friend.

I love and miss my family.

If this survives me and we don’t blow ourselves to hell and back over water, oil, power, money, women or bacon–then I just wanted it known that I had a friend.  My friend was good to me and I loved him.  I will always remember my friend and he will always have a place in my heart.  I just wanted to thank this beautiful soul for being a part of my life.  I am a better man having known him and I have a richer experience on this earth because of him.

Thank you and I love you, Kitty.

*EDIT 3-18-11 Sorry to edit this here; but I want to add a small note of thanks…  I sometimes caption “lols” on cheezburger.com to help with writer’s block and to pass the time, etc.  Well, I made a small memorial for Kitty over there because that’s what people do on that site (they LOVE them some cats over there; but who doesn’t?)  Anyway, you can follow that link to see what I did; but that’s not what I wanted to say.  I simply wanted to point out that there have been some incredibly lovely and heartfelt comments on not only this blog but also over on the site.  People have told their stories of their own animals and loss and laughs and I just want to truly, from every inch of my heart and soul, say thank you to everyone who has shared a story or shared a kind word with Vicki and me.  You are all beautiful, wonderful and caring people.  It means the world to Vicki and me and I want you to know that you are appreciated.  Thank you, wonderful people.  Just remember, the spirit you have shown me can change the world–if we could find the kind of compassion you have shown to just another little nameless cat and yet another online musician and use that little bit of love a little bit everyday..?  We’d change every aspect of every moment of every life living today.

Thank you all.  You are the reason why I try to create my music and put something better than myself into the world.  Thank you.