A Topic Near and Dear: Einbecker Schwarzbier!

I would like to take a moment to raise our proverbial glasses to a subject of which I am personally rather fond and that, my friends is Beer!  In this particular case, it would actually be Bier!  And not just any bier; but Schwarzbier!

Now, I am no beer/bier connoisseur; but I shall forever love Einbecker Schwarzbier.  Why, you say?  Well, it was “the” beer of my honeymoon with my lovely, sometimes gangsta, wife Vicki.  What do I mean by “the” beer?  Well, stop interrupting and perhaps this and many other questions will be answered.  So quit pulling your sister’s hair and behave while the nice man entertains you with his nice blog.

Ah, Einbecker.  I know you so very little and yet I love your schwarzbier so very much–a wonderful, smooth, chocolaty, almost creamy delight.  I imagine the Dwarven Lords sitting in their ale halls and drinking deeply of the frothy, sweet/bitter brew as smells of roasting meat and pies fills the warm expanse of close friends, good food and fine drink.

Einbecker schwarzbier, as before stated, will also forever remind me of my honeymoon.  How it came to be there with us is actually a rather interesting tale.  Take up your pipe and pour us a bumper of spirit as I recount this wondrous telling of the Lords of the Mountains of Gatlinburg.  -cue Celtic flute music and “zooming through the mountains in a small plane” camera shots-  (it is now appropriate to have tears in your eyes and think of days long gone)

This story, as many good ones so often do, has a beginning and an end.  It is a tale of love and friendship and marketing and beer and a king lost and a champion found and a liquor store.  I am now practicing what I like to call, “bullshitting,” because I am having a bit of trouble getting out of the flowery LOTR language and back to the cold hard blogging facts.

Well, let’s see…

Vicki and I were married in October (2010 for future readers who are bored at work).  This is a wonderful time to be married.  Some you will vehemently disagree with me on that point (undoubtedly all of you will be female–just trust me, it’s not a chauvinistic thing… I just know “most guys” will kind of skim that last sentence without having an opinion one way or another).

Hear me out… It’s not too hot.  It’s not too cold.  The colors in the trees are amazing (depending on your location, obviously).  There’s not a tremendous amount of things going on.  People are feeling good with the mild weather and everyone is in a pretty nice “settled” state of existence, ya feel me?

Now, I don’t intend to sway anyone into not doing their “spring wedding” or whatever.  You guys wanna be hot and sneezing from the pollen–never mind competing with all the other spring bridezillas out there?  Be my guest.

Moving on, before I lose my guy card…

Oh!  And don’t get me started on fucking summer weddings… SHEESH!  Yeah, here comes the B.O. Bride… Nice.  You go right ahead there, missy… Stank up the place.

Shit.

My wife has effectively destroyed my masculinity by making me become vested in this nonsense… HEY STOP!!!  LET GO OF THE… STOP IT…!!!   AOSIFADHSFOSHADFOIHOASDIHFIOHOA…SD!!!

*Hello everyone!  This is Vicki.  You may know me as “Gangsta Vicki” (I’ve never fired a gun in my life) or ‘Business Vicki’ –yeah, that one I’ll admit to… I have just drop-kicked jas in the back of the skull and he’s unconscious right now… I also know a LOT more about computers than jas–he’s kind of a “if it ain’t video games, I don’t care” kind of computer user; therefore, I have locked this text in place and made it invisible as he edits this.  I simply want to let you know that you shouldn’t let him fool you… Nope.  He TOTALLY helped decorate the wedding.  He’s a big softie and he makes me dinner.  I ripped up his so-called “man-card” three years ago… It was just a silly picture of Wolverine drinking beer–yeah, I can’t begin to tell you… But anyway, he’s coming around so I’m going to tell him the cat kicked the chair out from under him.  He’s really a simple creature–though totally hot and when he plays that guitar… OOOOWEEE!

Ahem… I’ll let jas talk his way out of this one.  Bye!

Sup.  Sorry, I just had to fight off a mountain lion that got in the house.  Yeah, it happens a lot.  Those punk-ass cats kind of come from California to do battle… It’s cool, I’m totally used to it.  I have a few scratches; but like, 135 stitches and I’m good.  So yeah, no big… What were we talking about?  Oh yeah… Beer.

So dig this… Einbecker is a great brand of German beer.  Apparently, this brewery is from Einbeck, Germany and has been around FOR SIX HUNDRED FREAKING YEARS, BABY!!!!  Oh yeah… I am all about Einbecker.  (guy card restored to me–how I missed you, Wolverine!)  But how did it become the “Wedding Bier?”  Well, it’s actually a sad story…

You see… Vicki’s father passed away several years ago (not long before I met, Vicki, actually–so I never got to meet him) and they had this lovely ritual of having a beer together when she would visit on break from college.  He would go to the store and buy a six pack of Sam Adams Porter Stout (at least that’s what we think it was) for them to share.  Now, Sam Adams has discontinued that particular name/flavor of their beer; but Vicki swears up and down that their new Black Lager is the same brew, just with a different label.

Every year on the anniversary of both his birthday and his passing, Vicki and I toast her father with a nice cold brew.  We say a little toast and cheers to his memory.  It’s quite a lovely thing to do, really–and even though I’ve not met him, I kind of feel as though I get to know him a little more with every family holiday story-telling session and every toast in his honor.  I’m sure he would’ve frigging hated me.  It just touches my heart.  My evil, black heart…

Which is probably why I really like Schwarzbier so much!

But anyway, so our wedding actually fell on the week AFTER the anniversary of Vicki’s momma’s baby-daddy’s passing and we decided to toast him on our honeymoon as opposed to a few days before because… You know, I think we were just busy and we didn’t feel like we’d really take the proper time to reflect and we’d get caught up in the whole wedding jittery-conversation about flowers and junk.  Also… We were totally paranoid about looking pretty and thin in our pictures–hence, no toasty for daddy before the wedding.  It’s complicated… Vicki and I are both neurotic.  TRUST ME… We can come up with arguments for or against FUCKING ANYTHING!  Except Palin… We only argue against Palin.  (I can’t help baiting the trolls sometimes… sorry)

Well, right around this time, we took ourselves to the liquor store to buy the booze for the wedding.  Adjacent to the liquor store was a beer store–selling only beer.  It was… *wipes tear* just … so… oh dear lord, just so beautiful!  I really never went into a store that sold only beer.  Meh, I’m a cheap date.  Give me an eighteen pack of some light beer and I’m golden.  Bet since I have to watch my girlish figure, I pretty much only drink 55 select these days… Cue assloads of jokes about wuss beer.  Bite me, internet.  I can’t jump around on stage with a jiggly beer gut.

Any-frigging-way, we’re in this glorious beer store and we’re looking for the black lager… No good.  Sam Adams only sells this in a “sampler” pack… You know, it’s a 6 pack with 3 different types of beers (2 of each).  Sometimes it’s cool cause you can get their Coastal Wheat brew (which Vicki loves) and their Irish Red–which I don’t mind.  But the black lager is pretty decent and wish to fuck they’d just sell it by itself.  Yes, Sam Adams, that would be a fucking hint… AHEM!

Doesn’t matter.  Why?  They didn’t freaking have it!  Either in sampler form or a full six or whatever.  No black lager de Sam Adams.  Well, the nice man behind the counter had a couple of beers in the 99 cent beer shelving area–this is where they break open packs and give you one at a time at a low cost to hook you into buying a very expensive 6 pack.  It’s super effective.  Jas gets le hooked very easily on tasty alcoholic beverages.  Like I said… Me=Le Cheap Date.

He pointed out a couple of Einbecker Schwarzbiers.  Meh, 99 cents, why not?  So we got em.  They were the first two beers we cracked on our first full day on our honeymoon.  Not only did we like them, we loved them.  Apparently, Vicki and I are tremendous fans of German Schwarzbier (as opposed to Neptunian Schwarzbier, of course).

Was it a good story?  I don’t know… Maybe?  I PERSONALLY think so… It means something to ME and well… You’re not reading John Mayer’s blog, now are you?

So the moral of the story is simple… EINBECKER SCHWARZBIER is the bomb dizzle, baby!

It’s not so easy to find; but if you can find it… Drink dat shiyit.

Werd.