Radiohead Revisited: The King Of Limbs, Trimming Time

FIRST!  FIRST!  ME!  ME!  I WROTE ABOUT IT ON THE FIRST FRIGGING DAY!  FIRST! FIRST!

Okay, now that THAT’S out of the way.  Yeah, big frigging deal.  I wrote about Radiohead’s new album “The King of Limbs” the first day it was available.  Notice how I am writing about it LATE in the day?  Yep.  Suck it, firsties.   Being first doesn’t mean being best or even being frigging coherent.  I should know.  I am damn near NEVER coherent.  I’m using caps to impress upon you that I feel passionately about this and I am emotionally involved.  Guess what..?

Dude, I’m a totally chilling in my bloggin’ pants drinking my bloggin’ beer and enjoying my lava lamp and candle light.  Oh yeah… I could probably care less; but I might be eating nachos or asleep to care less.  What I DID care about was trying to be on the “cutting edge” for once and attempting to write about something when it was ‘topical’ and shit–cause my Lady Wife assured me that I would be in her esteem if I could be topical and current.  I do anything for my lady, yo.

Vicki mentioned that I should try to write about something current and topical and all that and I thought it might get me in good with her, you know… So she’d do me a couple of favors.  Heh heh… Oh yeah… You know what I mean… She makes this potato/egg pie that is DEAR LORD OF ALL THAT IS YUMMY, FAN-FREAKING-TASTIC!!!!  Ahem… Yeah… I want her to let me eat naughty food.  Still think being a musician is cool?

All jokes aside… This is my first and probably ONLY attempt at being “topical” and ‘current…’  I honestly thought ‘topical’ was an ointment for naughty peepee yuckies; but what do I know, right?

So speaking of naughty peepee yuckies… Let’s talk about Radiohead’s new glorious offering of light and sunshine.

Yeah… “The King of Limbs.”  I’ve been listening to this shit all day (not shit in a bad way, just shit as in “shit…”  You know… Like, I got some shit to do or check this shit out) .

Totally all freaking day.  They were supposed to release this tomorrow and they said, “Fuck yo’ shit, mofo… I’m going today!  Brother has to get paid, ya feel me?”

Actually, I think it probably had more to do with screwing with the press and bloggers… I’m not a blogger, I’m a musician and if Radiohead was really like, “Fuck Jas Patrick,” then I would simply say, ‘Yo’ Momma, Radiohead… And thank you for the millions of people who now know who I am.  I am grateful, my master…”

So you’re (ha ha, yeah, like someone reads this) probably wondering what I thought already; well, I won’t be like other bloggers, I won’t keep you in suspense.  I like it.  I DO NOT LOVE IT.  But it’s fine.  Nothing to really not like, honestly.  I have now listened to it nearly two times in the amount of time it took to write what I have thus far… (I have listened to it probably 7 or 8 times total at this point)

It’s innocuous.  You don’t notice it when you are more preoccupied with a hangnail or a pretty flower or something.  That’s not to say it’s bad–because it most certainly isn’t; but the entire internet is aglow with masturbatory spurtings of “ALL HAIL RADIOHEAD” and ‘SIEG HEIL LOTUS FLOWER!’ and what not.  It’s a little disconcerting.  I was expecting the Second Coming complete with nachos, beer, world frigging peace and a cigarette that is not harmful and actually prolongs life by a thousand years.

Needless to say, I was fucking disappointed.

But that doesn’t mean it’s not good!  It’s actually pretty damn listenable!  Like I said, it is lovely for some background music.  Now, I cannot speak for the lyrics… Let me say that again… I CANNOT SPEAK FOR THE GAWDAMN LYRICS YOU STUPID FRIGGING FANBOY!!!!!  But if you must regale me with how I “don’t get it” or how I ‘should listen to the words’ or whatever; then please, spam the shit out of my comment box.  Let’s a get a healthy flame war going over this.  (even though I said I liked it)

On initial listen, I slapped my computer across the monitor and said, “SOUNDS LIKE FRECKING “KID A” YOU DIGITAL BEYOTCH!!!”  (You see, my computer monitor and I have a, shall we say, “complicated” relationship… Okay, okay… My computer monitor is a damn Radiohead fanboy and I’m not listening to his shit because fuck my monitor)

*NOTE:  If you have not yet gathered, this is a COMEDY blog and the views here are not necessarily sane.  Please do not start cleaning your gun and ignore your dog if it is telling you the world must be cleansed of comedy blogs… Your dog is completely screwing with you.  I should know, he told me about that “thing” you like to do when no one is looking… Yeah… We know about that… Fuck with us and we fuck with you…

After a short scuffle (which I won) with my monitor, I continued to listen.  Now everyone and their frack-tastic mee-maw has heard or knows about “Lotus Flower.”  Why?  It apparently was an advance release or something.  Maybe it was the first single… Shit man, I don’t know.  Point is that it was the top trend on Twitter for hours and hours today.  It’s still in the top 3–like 8 hours later.  That’s amazing man.  Really, good for them!   I have a slight beef with them for making the world go apeshit over free music–after they were rich beyond all measure; but hey, it’s all good.  I don’t mind giving my shit away for free–just make sure you don’t preach about giving away the cow when you own half the hemisphere.  I’m off my cheap, impoverished soap box.

So let’s get to the tracks right quick… Now those who know, know that I don’t do “reviews” in the classic sense.  Nope.  I’m a comedy writer and a musician.  You are more than welcome to download my entire debut album for free on this big, frack-tastic, awesome ass, eye-catching, big ole link right here on these words that I am presently typing.  Yep!  Enjoy it!  Tell your friends!  If you like food, then you’re going to like this album.  If you need oxygen, then this is the album for you!  We’re starting to get known and you can be the first kid on your block to know about us!  Hurry!  It won’t be free for long!  Eighteen tracks!  That’s TEN MORE than Radiohead gave you!  Act now!  If you haven’t clicked yet, you apparently don’t know it’s FREE and girls will never like you if you don’t download this album RIGHT FRIGGING NOW!!!!

Okay, okay… Radiohead.  What do you want to me to tell you?  If you’re here anytime even REMOTELY close to the release date of this particular album–2-18-2011–then you already know, you already have your favorites, you already have what gummy bears call “bias.”  I mean, really… Who reads something about a band that they know nothing about?

If you’re a fan of mine…

Then I have a few choice words for you…

First:  I LOVE YOU AND WANT TO HAVE YOUR MUSICAL BABY!  I WILL ALWAYS MAKE MUSIC FOR YOU AND I HOPE YOU LIKE IT ALL AND TURN INTO A FANBOY OR FANGIRL AND TOTALLY RAPE THE INTERNET WITH LOVE OF JAS PATRICK!!!!

Second:  YOU ARE THE COOLEST PERSON IN THE DAMN UNIVERSE AND I LOVE THE BONES THAT MAKE UP YOUR FRAME!!!  YOU HAVE EXCELLENT TASTE AND WE ARE SOOOOOO COOL!  I MEAN, LIKE… MAD COOL!  YOU’RE MY HERO!!!!

Third:  I don’t like lists of 3′s

Fourth:  AWWWWWWW YEEEEEAAAAHHHH!!!  I HAVE A FAN!  YOU ROCK, MY FRIEND/FAN!

But, if you’re not a fan of me (you so should be) then let me just give you a little something for your slavish devotion to Radiohead…

Sigh… Okay… Tracks… Lotus Flower?  Yeah.  Fine.

I like Codex.

(Listened to it at least 10 times now)

Little By Little is cool.

Give up the ghost ain’t bad.

Dude… It’s not that great of an album, okay?  It’s fucking elevator music.  Deal with it.  Just … Just deal with it.  Okay, it’s non-offensive, listenable, non-threatening, calm, soothing and I’m just so absolutely sure that the lyrics are a secret Fibonacci sequence that resurrects Cthulhu’s horny ex-girlfriend who answers to the name of “I like World Of Warcraft;”  but let’s just collectively remove our knee pads and stop virtually pleasuring Radiohead.

Is it good?  Meh, sure, whatever.  RESPECT THE ART, NOT THE GAWDAMN BAND.  Don’t just immediately virtually fellate a band because people say you should.  Seriously.  Radiohead has AMAZING albums; of this, there is no question–but not every offering is genius.

Let’s deal with the lyric “thing” before it drives me crazy.  Oftentimes, when an album is “meh” a lot of internet fuckers will scream to the heavens about the lyrical content.  I’m in agreement with said internet fuckers.  I have a number of songs that I have written that don’t “rock;” but have (what I believe–and others have agreed, so suck it) good lyrics.  (When dealing with music, one must remember OPINION IS NOT FACT)  But good lyrics do not always translate to popular opinion, nor do they make a good song.  Good lyrics only mean that the song in question has good lyrics.  Reverse it… “I Am The Walrus” is a fun song.  The lyrics don’t mean a fucking thing.  Are they good?  50/50 you pick the “right” answer.  Just depends with whom you are presently at war; locked in nerd combat, full of righteous internet rage…

Now, because I’m part of the “firstie” group screaming about an album I’ve barely had time to hear–let alone experience, I withhold comment on whether the lyrics are the secret to conjuring cheeseburgers that don’t make you fat.  Why?  Dude… Seriously?  Thom Yorke is hard to understand after fucking 30 listens, much less 10 or thereabouts.  I haven’t gotten a single fucking word yet!  Now, Thom, buddy… I feel ya.  It’s actually a GOOD thing.  No one understands me, either.  It’s all good.  Vowels get drawn into “artistic” semblance and you gotta put that ‘grit’ into it and what not.  No hating here, brah-seph.  Nope.  You do what you do.  It’s all gravy.

To my knowledge, there’s no internet sites brandishing the lyrics of this album proudly showing their OCD badges; so how they fuck you’d get the lyrics other than listening to a single song over and over and over and over again–with multiple pauses, etc… Yeah… If you did that..?  You suck.  I’m just saying.  You absolutely blow donkey balls, dude.  You take this shit too far.  You’re destroying the idea of why the music was created.  You’re not supposed to dissect it… You’re supposed to LISTEN  to it and for the love of all that’s holy, you’re supposed to ENJOY IT!

Why did I write this?  At this point, fuck if I know.  I have listened to this damn album far more than I wanted to and in a fashion that isn’t congruent with the way THAT I LIKE TO LISTEN TO SHIT.  Yeah, I have a system.  Same as you.  Well, same as you if you’re not a firstie.

Guess what I’m listening to right now?  Paranoid Android.  Yep.  I’m listening to Radiohead; but I’m listening to the Radiohead that I PERSONALLY FUCKING ENJOY.  I DO like the new album; but I will never do this firstie shit again.  I fear it may have ruined an otherwise enjoyable listening experience for me.

No.

Not done.

There’s one more…

Did you know that people wrote about this album before it was even out?

Yep.  Totally did.

I’m sorry, guys and gals… But really?  What can you possibly have to say?

Let me give it a shot:

“I heard there’s a radiohead album.  Rumor says 8 tracks.  It’s gonna rock because I love me some radiohead.  You don’t know shit because I TOTALLY KNOW A GUY WHO KNOWS SOME SHIT.  Oh baby, I’m getting me some hits now… I am popular!  PEOPLE FUCKING LIKE ME!!!!”

Yeah… That’s about it.  I read a few of em.

No, believe it or not, I’m not hating.  Why?  Because these cats got MAD hits.  We love radiohead.  Man, there ain’t shit wrong with that; but my question is why do we love them to the point of inventing … well… everything?

I don’t understand the need to find a way to turn music into a formula.

At this point I’m half convinced I have the LONGEST damn “radiohead has a new album” blog on the entire internet; and believe me, I could roll on forever and ever… But damn man… I just want to go rock some radiohead and eat some damn dinner.

This “first” shit?  Nah man… Never again.  I felt like I was trying to eat as many pies as I could in the shortest amount of time.  (a lot of people call that “lunch”)

No more man… I believe my next blog will be about an album I heard a year ago and have had the time to properly mentally digest and experience.  What’s the point of raping an album just to say, “this shit rocks, bro..”  ????

I don’t get it, interwebs… I just don’t get this new way.

Fuck it.  I did it once, here’s your first day release review.

Summation?

Good album.  Listenable.  Short.  Slow.  Quiet.  Good background noise.  Lyrics–I do not have a fucking clue so wait until it’s on lyrics.com or press pause a lot… I have no idea what to tell you vis-a-vis the lyrics.  All I can say is the album ain’t bad and I’ll definitely listen to it more–on my own time, when I can chill with it.

So far..?

Doesn’t hold a candle to The Bends or OK Computer.

If you like Kid A, you’ll probably like this one.

You should live and be well.

Cheers.

***EDIT:  I am now dancing a victory dance of “awww yeeeeaaah, bootylicious, schnizz-nitto-bang-bang happiness (this is a traditional dance of my people)  My favorite reviewer/music critic Anthony-freaking-Fantano, of The Needle Drop fame, just reviewed this album.  Guess what..?  Take away all the “Jas, you seriously need therapy” type shit and we pretty much are in agreement!  AWWWWW YEEEEAAAHHHH!  I have officially reviewed an album like a pro, despite the fact that I’m near certifiable.  Yeah.  I’m a bad man.  Go on.  Bask in my glory.

But after you’re done basking in my glory, make sure you watch his review–dude is a frigging pimp.  Oh, and Anthony, I reviewed it FIRST!!!  GWA HA HA HA HA!!!

Ahem

Over to you, Anthony: