If You Like That, You’re Gonna Love This

Artificial intelligence… Doesn’t have frig all to do with this blog.  So take your Syfy ass back to the nerd forums!

Nah… I’m just kidding.  I’m a nerd too.  It’s all good baby.  You’re among friends.  Be of good cheer… We’ve almost eliminated the jocks!  Internet porn and Farmville have done their work rather well at turning the population into pasty, nerdy recluses like us.  Our work here is almost complete and we shall soon be able to upload our consciousness into the Warcraft servers of supreme happiness.

Ahem… So automatic recommendations is the topic of the hour this day.  (Wrap yer noggin around that one, homie)  What are automatic recommendations, you say?  Well, are you on Netflix?  Rhapsody?  YouTube?  These sites use some sort of sorcery to discern that since you like videos/pictures/songs which concern kitty cats and street fighting and “Glee” and bad photoshopping, you are absolutely going to love a French documentary about male, lesbian-cowboys who desperately want to be accountants.  It’s a very intricate system.

Alas, intricate as it may be, sometimes it just gets shit plain, flat out wrong.  Picture this:  You’ve just completed your pleasurable viewing of “SuperBabies:  Baby Geniuses 2″ (damn you watch some hard core shit, dude) and you’re in the mood for more of the same.  You ask your lord and master, Netflix, to give you the low-down on what sort of flick will totally keep your sick, sick mind in the same frame of dementia you are currently enjoying…  Netflix promptly responds that what you really need right now is some “Schindler’s list” to keep the party going.

Five minutes into the game, you realize that there ain’t no gawdamn talking babies and you sure as shit ain’t laughing.  What the hell, man?!  Netflix, oh how you have failed me!

Now as before stated, your brother Jas is certainly not the one to explain the witchcraft behind what makes thy lord and savior, Netflix, recommend Shinola when you are unmistakenly asking for shit; I can tell you that Netflix ain’t the only culprit.  No.  In fact, many sites have exactly the same problem.  You ask for Lady Gaga and you get Pantera.  You want “Top Gun” and you get ‘Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory’ (gum).  You need a penis enlarger and you get breast augmentation…  Well…  I suppose that isn’t too far off the mark, when you consider that some high quality pics could totally help a brother…  You know what?  It’s not important!  This is serious blogging and we simply don’t have the time!  Regardless, you get the idea.

Music sites are no better.  For example, now you may or may not have listened to my music; but I can tell you that if you like me, you will not instantly stampede to go listen to Jay-Z, Theory of a Deadman, Slipknot or most of the other recommendations that Rhapsody seems to feel embody my particular style.  I may or may not be a bad example, considering I really do jump genres quite a bit over the 18 tracks on my debut album;  (Which I am conveniently giving you for free here) but let’s be honest here… If you like rock/r&b/soul/jazz/folk/blues you probably won’t break down Slipknot’s door.

It’s actually one of those things that you may find entertaining as an ancillary distraction at first; but we’re not all in college with mountains of time to spare!  Sometimes you only have a few hours to get your zombie documentary on before the cubicle calls.  This is no time to watch Michael Moore!  You need hot, zombie bikini chicks and you need that shit most riki-tik!  No time for Thundercats season 1; no sir…

So what is the problem?  Why do they recommend “Alfie” if you dig ‘Lord of War?’  Believe it or not, that is an open ended question.  I have no frigging clue why “Carebears” gives you ‘Cube.”  Perhaps the programmers are sadistic.  Perhaps the recommendation system is reading some sort of unconscious subliminal thought pattern that you have repressed with angry masturbation?

Dude… If I knew… I’d put it in a blog that gets some damn traffic and shill it to WebMD.

So yeah… This blog is what we affectionately call “filler.”  You’ve just been punked.

ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!!